BUGA Community
General Category => The Sump => Topic started by: Worzel on October 02, 2011, 02:21:09 PM
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An octopus walks into a bar and sez, 'I can play any instrument'
And he sits down at the piano and plays like Elton John.
This bloke sez, 'can you play the guitar?'
The octopus sez, 'course I can' and he grabs the guitar and plays like Jimmi Hendrix!
Then this Scot sez, 'Here, bet you can't play these bagpipes!'
The octopus sez, 'course I can!'
But he struggled and struggled.
The Scot said 'Ye cannae play em can ye?'
The octopus sez, 'Play em? I'm gonna shag em when I get these pyjamas off!'
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:D :D :D :D
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THIS IS CRUDE
A dwarf walks into a bar, and to get to the counter walks between a tall blondes legs, for his trouble, he gets a clit around the ear and a flap across the face
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:D :D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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pure gold ;D ;D ;D
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My mate was telling me that his hot girlfriend is actually a porn star,
"How does she handle that?" I asked.
"She doesn't know yet"
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Two cannibals catch a Clown and cook him up for dinner, during the meal one cannibal looks to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Does this taste funny to you?"
That's Tasteless. Try this...
This old dero staggers into a pub and the barmaid immediately told him to get out. The dero said that he would only leave if the barmaid gave him a toothpick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a toothpick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old dero walked into the pub and got asked to leave by the barmaid. This drunk also demanded a toothpick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barmaid obliged and the old dero quietly left.
Soon after, a third dero came into the pub and without hesitation the barmaid offered him a toothpick to leave. This time though the dero turned her down and said he would only leave if the barmaid gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barmaid and she asked the old dero why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two deros had asked for toothpicks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the good bits have gone now!"
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A Scotsman is caught by the police having sex with a cat
they arrest and charge him but when it goes to court the judge throws it out straight away
when asked why he replied "who ever heard of a Scotsman putting anything into a Kitty" ;D
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Due to the the econamy we lost the farm and had to move to the big smoke looking for work, found a job and a one bedroom flat for me and the two kids. We were getting there, we had a roof, food and a heater for those cold nights. I started to drink a lot, and you would always find me in the park across the road after dinner drinking. One night, I was sitting there drinking, when a bloke comes up to me. He's got his pants down around his ankles and his old feller is dripping, he says "mate ya gotta help me, I've got this sheila back there in the bushes and I can't keep up, shes worn me out". I'm up and over there, pants down and I'm in, I was going at it for ages, when a torch shown on us and a copper says " whats going on here?". I looked at her and then up at him an answered "I live across the road in a one bedroom flat with my wife and two kids, and every time I try to roll on my wife, one of the kids ask Dad what are you doing, and Isay nothing and roll off." The copper say, "I'm sorry mate, I didn't know she was your wife". I answered back "I'ver did I until you put the shined the torch on us"..
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an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub, the barman looks up an says, "whats this ? a bloody joke or something? ;D
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Not that im a fan of the family stickers ::)...thought this was was good! :D just like the one i saw on someones face book with each family member hanging from a noose ;D ...mine would have two boys choking and punching each other LOL!
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Why do the British drink warm beer?
-Lucas make their fridges
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Why do the British drink warm beer?
-Lucas make their fridges
BRILLIANT!
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BRILLIANT!
That's not a word you use when talking about Lord Lucas of Darkness.
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LOL
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2 of the boys were engaging in some illegal drag racing...
http://www.motifake.com/27087# (http://www.motifake.com/27087#)
as it says, it is illegal for a reason!
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Ha Ha thats priceless
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For Vanners from the same site:
http://www.motifake.com/no-matter-what-you-drive-death-van-car-black-demotivational-posters-139728.html (http://www.motifake.com/no-matter-what-you-drive-death-van-car-black-demotivational-posters-139728.html)
http://www.motifake.com/minivans-demotivational-posters-32298.html (http://www.motifake.com/minivans-demotivational-posters-32298.html)
http://www.motifake.com/stolen-the-van-is-missing-demotivational-posters-115472.html (http://www.motifake.com/stolen-the-van-is-missing-demotivational-posters-115472.html)
http://www.motifake.com/secrets-the-van-evil-shhhh-cubby-demotivational-posters-118213.html (http://www.motifake.com/secrets-the-van-evil-shhhh-cubby-demotivational-posters-118213.html)
http://www.motifake.com/c-h-o-m-p-e-r-s-tribute-to-van-man-demotivational-posters-99577.html (http://www.motifake.com/c-h-o-m-p-e-r-s-tribute-to-van-man-demotivational-posters-99577.html)
http://www.motifake.com/airman-airman-warthog-van-demotivational-posters-87276.html (http://www.motifake.com/airman-airman-warthog-van-demotivational-posters-87276.html)
http://www.motifake.com/camera-van-camera-van-crazy-wtf-demotivational-posters-140968.html (http://www.motifake.com/camera-van-camera-van-crazy-wtf-demotivational-posters-140968.html)
http://www.motifake.com/icemans-tribute-to-the-van-and-its-imposters-demotivational-posters-93868.html (http://www.motifake.com/icemans-tribute-to-the-van-and-its-imposters-demotivational-posters-93868.html)
http://www.motifake.com/change-vans-perv-paint-demotivational-posters-115720.html (http://www.motifake.com/change-vans-perv-paint-demotivational-posters-115720.html)
http://www.motifake.com/perception-creepy-van-demotivational-posters-87516.html (http://www.motifake.com/perception-creepy-van-demotivational-posters-87516.html)
http://www.motifake.com/boat-van-voteban-boatvan-demotivational-posters-77252.html (http://www.motifake.com/boat-van-voteban-boatvan-demotivational-posters-77252.html)
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Two blokes staggered out of the pub after a long night of drinking, climbed into their van and started it up.
They took off at speed, fishtailing and leaving skid marks all over the road.
After a couple of minutes of traveling , an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedo says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 k's an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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HaHa love it Thats gold
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Chris was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Chris has been missing since Friday.
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Love it
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lol, so did you run from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds Chris? lol :D :D :D :D
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Bloke's missus reckons he wasn't really cutting it in the bedroom any more so she sent him to the chemist to get some of those pills that make a man really ready for it.
He came back and presented her with a box of diet pills.
He never heard the shot.
;D
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hahaha :D
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i walk into a bar , theres a really drunk fat chick dancing on a table
as i walk past i say 'amazing legs' .
she looks at me and responds 'you really think? '
i look back at her and say ' yeah any other table would have broke by now ' ;D ;D ;D ::) ::) ::)
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lol, :D
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pmsl :D ;D ;D
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How do you piss your Miss off while having sex?????
PHONE HER
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whats an Australia kiss ???? ??? ??? ???
same as a french kiss ... just down under ;D ;D ;D
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hahahaha, :D
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lets hope these don't sound familiar to anyone ;)
A Redneck passed away and left his entire Estate to his beloved widow .....
But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
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How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ........
"Go ahead."
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum Drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
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Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, It would have been a teeth brush)
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A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
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Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep... Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library Was a total loss too. Both books went poof . ..... . Up in flames
And the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 And says to the driver, 'Got any I..D. ? ' . ....
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
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;D ;D ;D
love it lol